When I was young, my neighbors (heavy Christians that they were) had a video game for the NES called Bible Adventures
. It was a goofy little game, composed of three seperate games based on classic Bible stories: Noah's Ark, the birth and protection of baby Moses, and David v. Goliath. The first involved carrying animals and throwing them onto a boat, the second involved carrying a baby and avoiding Egyptian soldiers who wanted it dead, the third involved throwing a stone at a giant. In other words, carry stuff, throw stuff (you could throw baby Moses at any point in the game, which was essentially the good part of the game, unless you count stacking animals on top of each other in the Noah game). Essentially, it was a poorly animated and interactive retelling of three classic Bible tales that we young 'uns all knew from our Church learnin', and would appeal cross-denominationally (if it appealed at all), and was even inclusive of little Jewish kids (except for the name). So it was lame, but not a bad little stocking stuffer for religious parents.
When I was quite a bit older (15), there was an episode of the Simpsons
that mentioned a game that might have been a vague reference to Bible Adventures, called "Billy Graham's Bible Blaster," in one tried to convert heathens (but if you weren't thorough, they became Unitarians). This was pretty genius, I thought.
Now, a good 16 to 18 years since the release of Bible Adventures, another Christian-oriented game is on its way out, this time looking a little more like the Simpsons' view of Jesus gaming, but is perhaps -- no, distinctly more ridiculous. From the makers of some of the most hilariously bad books and filmic versions thereof since the rise of John Grisham, ladies and gentlemen...Left Behind: Eternal Forces
Just like in Rod and Todd Flanders' copy of Bible Blaster, you are on the streets converting non-believers. Only this time, if the pagan bastards won't have it, you've got something else up your sleeve: a paramilitary force. Of course, after killing in God's name, your troops must pray for God's forgiveness, lest their spirituality be depleted so much that they be won over by the AntiChrist (the spawn of Satan, in this version of the world, is nefarious UN Secretary Nicholae Carpathia, who, in a recent Left Behind film
, unleashed his vile plot to place the entire world under ONE CURRENCY! Ooh, the dastard
). The game is a real-time strategy, and involves supernatural spectacles of angels and demons come to assist or deter you, respectively.
I don't think anything else I could write could possibly make this any funnier than it is, so I'll leave you to stare at your computer screens for a spell.
[Thanks to Pharyngula
Labels: games, religion